Confessions of a Telephone Psychic

1c2d580c4ac14c3c87fd1ace869722f3I used to sit by my window looking out at the world, with a deck of Tarot Cards on the table beside me.  I was waiting for the phone to ring so I could give a psychic reading.

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You’ve seen them in the newspapers, and on late night television. Madame Zora, Sees All! Free Psychic Reading with Gifted Maria. Lady Luna will help you with your career goals. Your personal guide will help you keep your lover. Psychic Reading, first five minutes absolutely free!

Have you ever succumbed to curiosity and called one of these all-knowing seers? If you did, I’ll bet (Number 1) You had a heck of a telephone bill, and (Number 2) I’ll bet you enjoyed the reading, and it left you feeling better and looking forward to good things in your future.

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This is exactly how your psychic guide wants you to feel so you will call back again. If your caller does call back, and if they ask for you by name, said psychic reader will receive a whopper of a bonus! I recall receiving a $100 bonus each time a customer called back and asked for me.

I guess they don’t realize that a real psychic would not be doing any kind of telephone work at all.  Wonder why they’re not at Santa Anita betting 100 large on Charlie Horse?

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And well deserved, too. This job sounds so easy – just sit at home and take calls according to your own schedule. You can sign in and out as you please. Sometimes you will sit there for hours waiting for a call, and other times, you just get one call after another, until you are exhausted.

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It’s more of a nervous exhaustion I am speaking of. You know your instructor/boss may be on the line at any time monitoring your work.

I began by calling about part-time work, and was signed up to become a Certified Tarot Card Reader. I attended classes for a couple of weeks, ostensibly to learn how to read Tarot Cards. This sounds like a scam right up front, but I was not asked to pay for classes or anything else. They did require that I buy a deck of Tarot Cards, but I could have purchased them anywhere. They were not trying to get money from the Psychics-in-Training; they knew we didn’t have any money. They were teaching us to make money for them.  I did have to get a dedicated telephone line to be used only for readings.

I graduated from class with a Certified Tarot Card Reader Certificate and a very foggy notion of how the Tarot Cards worked.

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The first time I logged in to receive calls, I sat for 5 hours without a call.  Finally, when I decided to try again another day, I received four or five calls, one after another. I was very nervous, but I got most people past the five minutes free time.  I soon figured out that the deck of cards were simply in the way.  I found out that I could just listen and pick up signals from people.  Love, work, or money.  Is he cheating on me?  Am I going to get a good job?  I began to ask small questions:  “Did you hear a funny noise in your car lately?”  Yes or no, I would advise them to have the brakes or blinker fluid or something checked.

Young women liked to hear that they would be married soon to a person they do or do not know at this time, with a description of the gentleman forthcoming.  I would give little flags, “He dresses nicely and likes to wear a lot of red.”   Or, “Pay more attention to smells.  He uses a distinctive cologne, and when you smell it, you will know.”

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Some people had health concerns.  You don’t tell anyone that they or anyone they know is going to die.  Never, never.  You try to say something consoling and get off the subject quickly.   “That’s a nice TV set in your living room.  Is it new?”  Or, “Do you knit or sew?  I’m picking up a great sense of detail and patience.”

Sometimes you have to reach pretty far out.  “I see a crack in the sidewalk near you, and somebody is going to trip on it and fall.”  Or, “I feel that you are tired. You might be a little anemic.  Do you take iron or anything?”  People love to be told they are tired or not feeling up to par or that they are working too hard.  They love to be told they take care of everyone else and neglect themselves.  I might throw in a flag like, “You haven’t had any new clothes in a long time!  You need to go shopping for yourself.  Your colors are blue and pale yellow, and you need to wear them to keep your energy up.”

To worried moms whose children are playing sports:  Yes, they will get hurt, but not seriously.  Kids are kids.  They are going to get bumps and bruises, and they may even break an arm.  But that’s all in the process of growing up.  Try to stop worrying and just enjoy your happy and healthy children.

To an elderly lady missing her recently deceased husband:  “He’s always near you, dear.  Didn’t you just feel a little light touch on you shoulder?  He’s there, smiling down at you.  He wants you to be happy.”  She became one of my regular callers.  She always said how much better she felt after talking with me.  Is that bad?  I don’t think so.  She was lonesome and could afford to pay for my company.

Men are more likely to ask about jobs, careers, or money.  I advised one young man that he would have to work at his low-level job in a retail store for some time to come, but to be patient and plan for the future.  I told him I felt he would have his own business with three years, and that he should work towards that goal. He wanted to know what kind of business, so I told him what men like to hear; that he was strong and athletic, and I thought his business would have something to do with his physical strength.  He was overjoyed!  He wanted to own his own martial arts studio, and kept asking me how I knew.

It’s very difficult when you have a caller who is obviously watching the five free minutes tick by, and refuse to give any hints.  I had several things I would do here, give them their lucky numbers and lucky colors, and their lucky day of the week if they are still there.  Sometimes it works.  One caller said, “What about my poker game this Friday?  You said Monday is my lucky day, not Friday.”  I told him that the poker game would likely be called off anyway for some reason, probably bad weather.

I see this is running along at length, so I better close it up.  It’s fun to write about, so if anyone is interested, I might do a Part Two in the near future.  Wear your good colors, now, to keep your energy up, and don’t forget to wash behind your ears.

Bye for now from

Sweet Nan

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